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Winner of the 2018 Telegraph Sports Book Awards Sports Bestseller of the Year

´Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player´ - Sunday Times

´The funniest man in British sport´ - Metro

Featured on BBC Radio 2 with Chris Evans

You become a footballer because you love football. And then you are a footballer, and you´re suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate.

So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror.

We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay Pds. 250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We´ll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson´s assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions.

I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer. Shall we?

Can´t get enough of Crouch? Tune into That Peter Crouch Podcast on Radio 5 Live

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"However overpaid and preening you might assume Premier League footballers to be, think again. They´re worse, according to this amusing insider´s account" Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year

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First things first: yes I am very tall, no the weather isn´t different up here, and no I don´t play basketball. Glad that´s out the way.

I´ve been a professional footballer for 20 years, have 42 England caps, have scored over 100 Premier League goals and hold the record for the most headed goals in Premier League history.

In my time I´ve been promoted, relegated, won trophies, gone months without scoring, been bought, sold, loaned and abused - and I´ve loved almost every moment of it.

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